As a child I wanted nothing more than to grow up and be an adult. As an adult I long for the time I had as a child. I remember being a kid and thinking time took forever. It always seemed like everything was forever away. Driving in the car lasted an eternity. It didn’t matter where we were going, let alone the dreaded road trip or vacation. I think some part of my inner child is still stuck in our old VW van, driving to California, looking out the window, and asking every 5 minutes if we were there yet.
Each school year took an eternity to pass. Summer vacation was the mirage in the distance we never quite made it to. Don’t even get me started on Christmas. The elusive time I dreamt about, planned for, looked forward to. Christmas most definitely partnered up with time to fuck with me. The things I wanted as a child always seemed out of reach and were allies with time. Together they joined forces to teach me lessons in patience. The things I dreaded and despised, never ended. Time slowed down for these and together they taught me perseverance.
I’m not sure when it happened, but at some point time sped up. Christmas is almost here now and I feel like I took down the lights last week. I long for the endless road trip now and never want those car rides with my Wife to end. Yesterday I held my children in my arms and today I visit them at college. The things I want, the things I look forward to, come and go in the blink of an eye. The things I dread seem to be set on the same speed as well. I wake each morning with a list of goals laid out before me and before I know it my head is hitting the pillow at the end of the day. Some days those goals are checked off the to do list and some days the list doubled in size. Regardless, each day I long for more time.
I long for more time with my children. More time with my wife. I long for more time in the day to connect with my friends or visit with my parents. I long for more time at the beach or hiking in the mountains. I long for more time to myself. Time to find more of myself and connect with who I truly am inside. If only I had a few more hours each day I would get there. If only I could find the time for all the things I wanted.
I’m not sure if time is real or not. In the big scheme of things, life and death kind of stuff, I don’t believe in time. When my time comes and I take my last breath in this body, I don’t believe that will be it. I don’t believe my breath won’t come again. But, today I have a to do list and I have a schedule I need to keep. I’ll need to watch the clock and make sure I get to where I’m going on time.
Hopefully, I’ll remember to take the time to look up and see the bigger picture. Hopefully, I’ll remember to take the time to slow down and appreciate the moments. The lessons I was taught by time as a little boy are coming back around today and I’m practicing.