This morning I laid in bed awake and restless before I actually wanted to be. I laid there with a racing mind and a pain in my back from sleeping funky. As of late, this was becoming pretty routine for me every morning. I would wake up earlier than I wanted to, lay in bed tossing and turning, fighting discomfort, and getting into arguments with my brain. It would already be processing and planning for 4 o’clock in the afternoon and all I wanted it to do was turn on the coffee pot. This game plays out each day until I’ve had enough and get up. This morning was going to be different, damn it!
As I was nearing the point of giving in to the incessant nagging of my big ol’, annoying, beautiful, brain, it snuck something in. Quietly and softly it whispered,
Then it accelerated back to full speed, except, it was replaying a moment from yesterday instead of fast forwarding to tomorrow, or next week, or 12 years ago. Yesterday, I was listening to a podcast and the guest started talking about how they meditate 20 minutes everyday. At the time, this stuck out and I was flooded with memories and reminisces of all the time I have spent meditating. Notice, this was past tense reminiscing. I get a few brief minutes of meditation every week at my men's group, but I used to sit for 20 minutes, 40, sometimes over an hour meditating nearly every day. Now this guy on this random episode of a podcast was reminding me how important that was.
Flash back to me laying in bed and my beautiful brain reminding me. So I went with it. I laid there and decided to meditate. I got as comfortable as I could, closed my eyes softly, focused on my breath, took my picture for Instagram, and then started. #lookatmemeditating #wokeaf
“What am I going to feed the kids for breakfast?”
Almost instantly this thought plowed passed my mantra and into my head. I went back to my breath. Slow down. Feel your body.
“What time should I leave today and what errand should I run first? Oh, and by the way, you still need to figure out breakfast and this is stupid.”
I hate this fucking part of meditation. This part of battling my brain, my thoughts, and chasing that disappearing feeling I so love. There’s a point when I’m meditating where it feels like I drop off some invisible ledge in my mind and free fall into Wonderland. My body has this strange sensation of floating. It’s also kind of a tingling sensation at the same time. It’s also a really difficult sensation to describe but I recognize it every time I get there. I chase that sensation every time I meditate and catch it almost never.
I started meditating several years ago after my so-called awakening began. I had experienced some guided meditations in group settings and was starting to believe it may be something worth trying out on a regular basis. Turns out, it was. Also, turns out, I had no idea what I was in for.
I talk today about how life is a practice. The entire thing. All aspects of living is simply a practice. Meaning it takes practice. I did the math and I have been practicing life for 636,833 days. #mathwiz #dontfactcheckme
I truly feel I have had more good days than bad. For me that’s it. That’s all I need. More good days than bad.
My meditation practice is the same. When I started I had no clue what I was doing.
Slowly, overtime, I committed myself to the practice of it and I got better.
I used to set aside time nearly every day to meditate. I also shifted and expanded my idea of what meditation was and how it was supposed to look or be done. I loved it and I really started to see the difference it was making in my life.
Today, this morning, was the first time I actually decided to meditate in quite a long time. It had been months, maybe even a year or more. My practice of meditating stopped. I was still finding time to slow down and connect to my body. I was still practicing life of course and having more good days than bad. But, when it came to setting aside time with the sole intention of meditation...not really.
This morning’s meditation was about 10 minutes long. It was littered with racing, random, thoughts and me fighting physical discomfort the entire time. I wanted 20 minutes and felt disappointed in myself when I finally looked at the clock and saw it had only been 10. I never found my ledge and never jumped off into the abyss I so love.
But, I did it. I practiced something this morning that I love. I practiced something I believe makes me a better person. Makes me happier. Makes me a better Father. I started and I didn’t quit. I didn’t fail this morning!
However, I’m sure I will tomorrow or the next.
My practice of life has been a series of successes and failures. Each one feeding into and off of the next.
I tend to wrap up my writing with a positive, uplifting ending. I like leaving you with some inspirational feeling or thought. I want your day to be better after reading this, even if just for a moment. I want you to read this and be reminded of how you too used to meditate. Reminded of how slowing down each day benefits your life, benefits your body, your soul. Remember, everything is a practice and when we practice we don’t fail. We simply get back up and keep practicing.
So here you go, here’s your inspirational feeling for the day. Your affirmation. Your mantra. Your reminder….
Meditate today. Because we’re all going to die and tomorrow it might be your turn.